Soul, Unfiltered; "Caroline is Who You Knew. Patricia is Who I Am."

 

I have written this journal entry in bits and pieces over the last six years — first in 2020, again in 2022, and many times after, oftenly in my head, especially when someone calls me Caroline.

Ngai.
Some people still have hang-ups with that name.

Caroline is the woman you knew.
Patricia is the woman I have become.

They may share the same face, body, and even laughter — but I changed my name.

Many still call me Caroline, and for reasons I have stopped trying to explain, that name irks me. Why lie?

I changed my name when I realized I needed a fresh start. A new persona. A different perspective.
Most people just shift their habits or patterns.
I went further — I chose a new identity.

Well, not entirely new. I simply claimed my second name.
Now I am Patricia.

And if we have met again after a while, and you called me Caroline, you might have seen me correct you… a little too sharply.
It is not personal. It is intentional.
But for some, it feels like too much work to adapt — so I just sigh and move on. 😏

I love the possibilities that Patricia carries.
I love my hair.
I love my direction.
I love everything that is Patricia.

If you are still attached to Caroline… pole kwako.
Move on.

Because Patricia has.
She has learnt to release, to rise, to walk away from the weight that once tethered her.

Caroline was the girl who moved with fear in certain spaces, who lived to meet external expectations.
Patricia? She lives for her truth, her voice, her calling.

Caroline often said “yes” when she should have said “no.”
She let life happen to her.
But Patricia? Patricia is happening to life — dictating her own terms, carving her own path.

Caroline just lived on a day to day, often letting the systems get the best of her, make money, and do 'stuff' here and there.
Patricia wants more, impact, legacy, unplugging where need be and hopefully change a life.

Maybe I still carry some baggage with the name Caroline. Maybe I need to sit with her and sort things out.
But Patricia — she is the woman I choose every morning.
She is not perfect, and she is not trying to be.
She just is.

Patricia is living the life her mother once told her about:
"You are the driver in the driver’s seat of your life."

So, if we meet and you hear me wince when you call me Caroline,
Please, forgive me.
You are in the past.
I am not.

Adapt.

 

Njeri.