46 and Grateful: A Birthday Reflection from the Finish Line

 

Motherhood was thrust on me at a very tender age. Back then, I had no idea what I was getting myself into, let alone the sacrifices I would be required to make along the way. Two decades later, I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder: who was I before the sleepless nights, the constant demands, and the endless "Mommy" calls?

Just this morning, my daughter shared a meme about removing tattoos with lasers—and kids too. We laughed, but deep down, the joke hit differently. Parenting has been my tattoo for over 20 years—beautiful, yes, but permanent in ways I never fully understood.

Parenting is fulfilling but utterly exhausting, demanding everything and leaving little room for yourself. I’ve put so much of my own life on hold that even buying a simple dress for myself feels selfish. Too many times, I’ve gone shopping with the intention of treating myself, only to return with something for my kids instead.

I started parenting at 19, which meant I began putting myself second at a very young age. Back then, I didn’t know any better—the examples around me showed that kids always came first. Seven years later, my second child arrived, and the cycle continued. Another seven years down the line, my last-born showed up, and I found myself in the same drill.

Don’t get me wrong—or go ahead if you want—I love my children, and they know that. I have consistently chosen them over everything: jobs, relationships, social activities, you name it. I was the girl attending choir practice with my daughter in tow, choosing her over friends because I had motherly duties to fulfill. Even in recent years, I’ve chosen to go home early instead of spending time with friends so my daughters could see me present—only to end up at home, scrolling through my phone, wondering why i never went for the social instead.😃

This morning, I jokingly asked my daughter if I could "laser my kids" and simply be. She laughed, but that lighthearted moment made me think about the toll of parenting. It consumes your whole life, leaving you craving rest.

These days, I often advise young women to think carefully about motherhood. Yes, it’s beautiful to have children early and “pay your debt” to motherhood, but at what cost?

Today, I felt especially vulnerable, craving a warm hug from someone who truly understands. But that space has been vacant since my separation five years ago. I’ve kept myself guarded, reluctant to let anyone in. Those who have tried didn’t get more than fragments of me—just my time, smiles, and warmth, but never my heart.

As my friend and I talked, I realized the only thing I’ve truly held onto is my nails. I do my nails no matter what—even when I’m down to my last shilling. But nails alone cannot fill the emotional void. We all need support, rest, and someone to lean on.

This morning, I whispered a prayer to God. I told Him, “Lord, all I’ve done is parent. Please bless me with more life so I can live for myself too.” I dream of moving to a city apartment, traveling the world without worrying about who needs dinner or where the baby is.

That said, parenting is seriously overrated. Childbirth is overrated. You can live life on your own and still be enough.

Sigh.

Words from the Wise

Make sure you take time for yourself.

Have one thing that’s yours—something that reminds you of who you are, your dreams, and your goals. Pursue it. Go back to school. Buy that dress. Go for that date. Have that coffee. By all means, find yourself.

One of the best decisions I’ve made is refusing to be defined solely by motherhood or grandmotherhood. I am Patricia, in every sense of the word. No one will take away my identity—not even childbirth.

Alongside parenting, I am learning to live for myself, rediscovering my dreams, and pursuing my own interests. The learning curve is steep, but I owe it to myself; And so do you.

Dear gals, Nawapenda, but am counting on your support as I rediscover my path😊.

Njeri.

Ps. Many times, I often meet you, my fans who share a love for my writing. Do drop a line here.It helps keep me going😊.