Dark Seasons

 

Recently I met someone, whose more of an acquaintance than a friend, and if I may confess, she has caught my heart. And for a minute there, we got into a heart to heart and she reminded deeply, about dark seasons. You see, I am just coming from the ravages of a terribly dark season; and the unfortunate bit about going through such a season is that you wake up and realize that, people moved on; without you. And you quickly realize that it's nature’s way of abhorring a vacuum, it must be filled, either way, with whatever.

And the other unfortunate bit, is that your kids grow on, and the precious time you would have spent with them; providing, nurturing, guiding, protecting; has flown by; and that life has run its cause. You have either lost some, or by some stroke of luck others have been saved by structures you had put in place. And most unfortunate is, the fact that without a strong circle and structure, no one cares about you, it’s even worse if you are parenting on your own.

As we were chatting with this friend, I realized that's its always easy to fall away in the abyss, into the deep darkness; the kind of darkness that drives you towards isolation, and hibernation as you try to sort yourself out, heal and be whole again.

Three years ago, by some deep perception, I realized that I was getting into a dark season and I sensed life preparing me for some untenable situations. I closed my shop and moved to some remote part of the world, to lie low and wait out the storms. This particular place was so remote with a deep rural setting, with houses scattered across the horizons and I never bothered to fit in, nor get to know my neighbors. 

The locale had vast empty lands and this served to assuage my deep need for being alone. I was an angry person, lost, deeply hurt, alone, empty, confused and broken. I roamed the lands like a real loner and am sure the neighbors couldn't understand me; I did not struggle to keep up with the joneses and life quietly ebbed away from me. 

My children gradually grew up and learnt to cater for their needs. I was present only in name and breathe but not in act and mind. I woke up, ate, bathed when I had to, participated in life, quickly retiring back to my cave, when done. I did not have any energy for social circles and even, the random meet up, would really take all my energies.

Once in a while I  showered and showed up for others, wearing my smile to hide the truth; participated in other people’s lives while my own was ebbing away from me. Many times, I wondered if the dark season will ever end; many times, I cried bitterly wondering what had befallen me.

Many times, I scoured the books of the bible and listened to one of my most beloved preachers and the words of wisdom did much to calm my spirit. It was apparent to me, that this season had happened to teach me, that I was not in control of my life.

During this season, the only thing that worked for me were the long walks, the peace and quiet, the comfort of a small income, the quiet rural setting, the inner knowledge that it was a season that will pass one day.

When I look back to that season, I am reminded me of the famous quote that; “Fate whispers to the warrior, ‘You cannot withstand the storm.’ The warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm'"

Of dark seasons in life, we can only say;

I am the storm

Njeri.